Forgiveness. My goodness, what a heavy word this can be…but also a word that can make us feel as if a weight has been lifted off our shoulders. It has the power to free us from pain, anger, bitterness and hatred. I guess you could call it “freegiveness” if you wanted to.

Several years ago, my almost 5 year old was being her usual ravenous self pre-dinner is served, and insisted she needed a snack. Despite being told no, stop, leave it and a host of other deterants we mothers throw at these inopportune requests, she proceeded to get into the pantry in search of something to tide her over…

About 0.003 seconds later I heard the terrifying sound of glass shattering and a thud immediately after it. I spun around from my dutiful station at the stove to see her standing there, mouth agape, eyes wide with fear, feet frozen amidst what used to be one of my old champagne flutes, now splintered into many small jagged pieces.

“I’m so sorry Mama!” she gasped, “I didn’t mean to break your cup! I am so sorry…please forgive me…”

Giant tears welled up in her eyes as she stood there looking at me for my almighty mama bear reaction. She knew she was in for it after being told not to try and get something, and she knew what she did was wrong. But more than that she knew I would be displeased.

Sizing up the situation, I quickly got to her and removed her from the broken pieces. “Don’t move,” I half growled as I set her on the couch, then angrily began to clean up the shards of glass. Of course, a teeny tiny little sliver found its way to a groove in my fingerprint and soon there was a crimson streak down my index finger.

From over the back of the couch where she sat kneeling to watch I heard her call out, “oh mommy! You have a blood! I am SO SORRY!”

It hit me full in the chest at that moment- I didn’t break the glass, I even gave her clear instruction on how to avoid breaking the glass by staying out of the pantry, but in my own anger and haste to right the situation afterwards I DID cause my own pain & bleeding…

You see, I have been wronged in my life…anyone out there relate?? I have had things happen to me, to my family, to my soul, that just are not fair. Heart breaking, gut wrenching wrongs. I didn’t do any thing to deserve them, others I did and some I could have avoided had I just listened.

But regardless of the cause of the fault itself, too often, I realized in this moment, I added to the pain of it by being angry, bitter and hasty to try and fix it MY WAY…if I would have just slowed down, taken a deep breath and stayed calm I wouldn’t have a Trolls band aid on my finger right now (because let’s be honest- no house with a child under the age of 6 has grown up band aids…the boo boos won’t heal as good unless you have cool ones).

There is a verse in scripture from Psalm 46 I adore that says “be still and know that I am God.” Sounds simple enough, right? But when you dig deeper and study it out, the translated “be still” actually comes from part of the verb rapha (meaning to be weak, to let go, to release), which might better be translated as, “cause yourselves to let go” or “let yourselves become weak.”

Woah.

This verse isn’t just about sitting still, not moving, etc. It is literally a call to LET GO of the thing we are carrying around deep inside our heart’s deepest darkest caverns. You could even go so far as to read it “let go and know that I am God.”

So when I look at those nasty seeds of hate and bitterness planted in my own heart by the enemy (real and spiritual), I begin to see the greater theme at work here. You see, forgiveness to me has always been a struggle…especially when it comes to forgiving one person in particular…myself (can all the mama’s say AMEN?).

My current battle with forgiving myself lies in a place so scared, so barricaded and so desolate there’s few who even get to see it’s outer walls. Jericho looks like a bouncy house compared to the way I’ve built this thing up. Because deep down, I am blaming myself. Even though the offense had zero to do with MY actions, even though there was NO way I could have seen it coming. I blame myself.

So where does that leave us? With our built up walls and moats of anger and languishing pools of bitterness? I’ll tell you where it leaves you- alone, ashamed and terribly sad.

But the key to lowering the draw bridge out of your castle of despair is forgiveness…and you have to start with yourself. There’s a reason Jesus commands us to forgive 70×7 and says in Lamentations “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning.”

Every morning y’all. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. I think the good Lord knew at the first breath mankind took, we were going to mess up. A lot. So He made sure to remind us of His compassion, love, mercy and forgiveness. A lot.

It’s not easy, don’t misunderstand me now. It’s hard. Everything in me wants to unpack and live in this place I’ve built to lock out the world. But that same almost 5 year old who broke my glass is quickly growing up into a young lady who needs her mama to show her how to live a life that pleases Jesus. I can’t do that if I’m in the castle, and I can’t lock her away in the tower (even though some days I’d like to so she’s safe).

So I decided for now, I’ll wear my Trolls band aid and remind her I’ve let it go and thrown the mess away and we will continue forward. And one day maybe it won’t be so hard to give myself grace, maybe one day I’ll forgive what I couldn’t prevent.

Until then we will keep doing the best we can to remember even if we don’t think we deserve it, Jesus loves us and forgives us. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, He does. My finger will heal, and so will my heart.

-KB