Dear You,

I see how hard you’re trying. I know how much it hurts. I want you to know, I know you’re not okay. I know it’s taking every ounce of your ability to not collapse in a heap of anger, tears and sorrow. I know you want to quit. You want to throw your hands up in the air and give up. I know you want to die. Believe me, I know.

You stay up late every night just wishing you could sleep peacefully for once, but you don’t. You get up early every morning wishing you could stay in bed and hide from the world because it’s all just too much. But you put on your best fake smile, rehearse your most convincing “I’m fine” response, and you go out the door to face the day.

When you’re alone your mind is your greatest enemy. It spends all day reminding you how behind you’ve fallen- at work, at school, at home. In your family, your ministry…your everything. It’s as if every area of your life is just a tangled heap of twisted necklace chains and no matter how hard you try to straighten them all out you end up frustrated, worn out and discouraged from trying.

At night, despite being exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually…you cannot stop the racing thoughts. You spend hours replaying the day’s failures and mistakes, each one worse than the last until you’re buried under a mountain of guilt so tall the light doesn’t even break into your prison cell anymore. I know.

You’ve written letters saying goodbye, torn them up, written them over and hidden them in a safe place for the few brave souls who still love you enough to risk the flames of your tumultuous emotions. You know they will miss you, but you have convinced yourself it won’t last long and ultimately they will be better off once you’re gone. Oh, my dearest one…hear me when I say, I KNOW.

But I know more than just your pain. I know more than your ineffable sadness and loneliness. I know more than your desire to leave this feeling behind, to leave this world in a cloud of smoke while you burn out like a shooting star on its last brilliant ride across the sky. So I want YOU to know something else.

I hope you stay.

I hope you know you are strong, wonderful and amazing, not just because you’re hurting and I want to make you feel better. But truly, deep inside you is wonder and beauty that no other soul on this earth possesses. There is joy unspeakable woven into your story, but you won’t see it if you aren’t here to get to it.

I hope you stay and fight.

Because you should experience your high school graduation (even if just to prove that one teacher wrong who never got off your case). You need to move out of your parents’ house and live off ramen noodles in your little one bedroom apartment with the weird, colorful neighbors who get drunk and sing outside your door at 2am, but who would do anything for you in a pinch.

I hope you stay for the moment when you fall back into your hospital bed exhausted beyond reason, certain you’re not going to make it another second when suddenly a nurse hands you the most beautiful 7lb 5oz baby girl ever who has your eyes…

I hope you stay and hear her say “I love you mama” for the very first time. I hope you’re there to cry in your car after you take her to the first day of daycare when you go back to work even though she’s already drowsy in the arms of the best daycare workers on the planet before you even get to the office. I hope you stay and get to experience the crushing way of a love that consumes you as she still smiles at you years later when you come back for pick up after a long day. I hope you stay to harden your resolve to raise a grateful child even during her horrible tantrums and hard headed arguments.

You need to be here to wreck your first truck, and I mean really wrap it clear around a tree…and walk away with a couple broken ribs and scars to show for it later. You need to experience the joy of staying awake all night talking about life and to greet the sunrise as it first breaks over the horizon, and go on crazy spontaneous road trips all by yourself for no reason.

I hope you stay and live.

I know how hard it is when you truly want to die. I know the freakish amount of effort it takes to combat your brain’s desire to stop your own heartbeat. I know the shame you carry around for feeling this way, for being selfish and how you wish you could just be NORMAL for a change.

I have been exactly where you are- I’ve drowned myself in the lake of paralyzingly real fear and pain and depression. I’ve walked into the rivers of anxiety with rocks in my pocket, Virgina Wolf style. I’ve swallowed all the pills, drank all the bourbon, cut my own skin, starved myself and punched all the walls. I have known what it is to hate myself.

I have walked that road so many times I could lead an expedition in the dark with no flashlight to guide us. I’ve swung both feet over the edge of that endlessly deep, warm abyss of death more than once. But here I stand.

I hope you stay, not because you are loved, but because you love yourself. Not because your child needs you or your spouse, but because you are YOU, and you deserve to live. You deserve to live inspite of the urge you feel to die. You deserve to live a life you can show your scars to and say, “is that all you’ve got?”

I know more than most the sweet lies we so easily believe about our selves. But I also know a Savior who literally died for us to know His incredibly, unending, life changing, hell defeating love. I know a Jesus who took nails in His hands and feet for MY screw ups that hadn’t even happened yet. I know a God who looked down through the annex of time and called me by name to tell my story and encourage another who feels as if their story has no end.

I hope you stay, because how else will you know how the story will end? So do what you must to be here when the sun rises in the morning. And then again when it goes down tomorrow night.

And when the voices in your mind scream for your attention, I hope you stay and stand your ground. The world is full of people who leave, be the one who stays. Be the one who cannot be defeated. Be the one who isn’t afraid to ask for help, and the one who isn’t afraid to give it.

I hope you stay.

-KB